What To Do Or Say When A Blowup Starts

I'm going to assume that blowup means verbal blowup and not physical danger. In physical danger situations one needs to have safety the primary concern, thus preparation beforehand would involve having a safe place to go and the means to get there. And when the blowup seems imminent or has started, to get to a safe place as soon as possible.

What to do or say when a blowup starts:

-- Break the pattern.

Do something different. Don't do what you usually do when a blowup starts. It can be what's called a "pattern interrupt," which is something that breaks into the emotional state of the other participants, like sneezing, dropping some books, knocking over a chair accidentally, or spilling a glass of water.

Or, it can be a change of behavior on the part of one of the participants. For example, if the usual response to the blowup initiator is to argue, then you just listen, or ask to be excused because you need to use the bathroom. Or, maybe just leave the area and refuse to listen or respond. It's hard to fight with someone who won't participate (verbally, that is).

-- Rehearse in advance.

After deciding on alternative behaviors for yourself, mentally rehearse doing them so that you know what you'd see, hear, and feel while doing the different behaviors.

-- Delay the discussion.

Say, "I am willing to discuss this with you, but not now. When would you like to talk about it later?" Or, "I don't want to deal with that right now, but in an hour I could talk about it with you." This will give you time to think about how you want to handle it, and time for the person initiating the blowup to cool off.

-- Use the stopping pattern.

Talane Miedaner, in her book Coach Yourself To Success, gives a four step method of dealing with someone who is behaving inappropriately.

1. If someone yells at you, say, "Are you aware you are yelling at me?" (in a neutral tone, without accusation of any kind, nor sweet either, but in the same tone you might announce a phone call.) When you get a reply, or not, then say, "I'm asking you to stop."

2. If they do not stop, then repeat "I'm asking you to stop yelling."

3. If they do not stop, then say, "I'm not going to listen to you while you are yelling."

4. If they still do not stop, then leave the area. If they follow you, tune them out, put your hands over your ears, get in the car and leave, whatever. But just don't tolerate the yelling. Don't ask for apologies, don't make accusations, don't raise your voice. Just don't tolerate it.

The same technique can be used if the other person is using derisive or rude words or tones or making accusations or demands. Just say, "Are you aware
you are being rude to me?" Then, "I'm asking you to stop." etc.

This is a simple technique, but it often works suprisingly well. It is important to keep it simple and do it in a neutral tone and with neutral body language. And avoid allowing it to become the prelude to a discussion or argument. Just do it, and then go do something else.

-- Re-examine it later and learn from it. Then place what you've learned in your future.

Any time there is a blowup, or you've had an experience you don't like, look for resources you needed, including different behaviors on your part, whatever you can learn from it, and mentally re-run it as though you'd done it differently, with the added resources and choices.Then, go into your future and imagine 3 different situations that could possibly happen where you could put those
resources to good use. Then, mentally, in your imagination walk through those imaginary situations using the new resources. It's rehearsing, using new abilities, and it makes it easier to do them when you've rehearsed them that way.